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CODNN World Exclusive "Press" Release By: Abe Kulkarni

------------------- Excerpt from the The State (Columbia, SC), June 10th, 2003: Columbia, SC (Reuters): State health officials are reportedly mystified by the strange phenomenon affecting single young women that has swept the state in the last 24 hours. From debutante balls and cotillions to sorority houses to everywhere in between, young women aged 18-30 from all over South Carolina have been inexplicably fainting or breaking into tears and sobbing uncontrollably, and it seems to be spreading. Speaking to reporters from the State House in Columbia this morning, Governor Mark Sanford promised that the full resources of the state have been thrown into the problem. "I've been meeting all day yesterday and today with the heads of the Departments of Health and Human Services, Environmental Control and Mental Health on this issue, and have created an advisory committee that will report directly to me. I promise the people of South Carolina and indeed, the entire country, that we will find out what's affected the young ladies of this state so hard and that this serious matter is priority number one right now." ----------------------------------------- COD News Network World Exclusive - It was revealed today that the cause of the mysterious malady currently ravaging South Carolina was that....our very own John Templeton Pressley III is engaged to be married. Not since Senator Preston Brooks so famously wielded a cane against Senator Charles Sumner in 1856 has such hysteria swept the Palmetto State so quickly. Contrary to public opinion, however, it wasn't just young women that were affected. At the Norcross, GA, corporate headquarters of Waffle House, Inc., company executives declared a day of celebration, which quickly spread across the country and the entire globe. Triumphant and congratulatory press releases were trumpeted all over the world, as companies as diverse as Lowe's (Wilkesboro, NC) and The Home Depot (Atlanta, GA) vied with one another to proclaim who was the happiest for the new couple. Across the Pacific, Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi joined Emperor Akihito and top executives of Sony, NEC-Mitsubishi, Fujitsu, Panasonic, Fuji and many other electronics companies, as well as from Nissan/Infiniti and top sushi chefs to declare a "Most Happy Joyous # 1 Great Fun Day" across the country, to honor the man that, had he not spoken with a South Carolinian accent so thick as to make 95% of his fellow Americans think he was speaking a foreign language anyway, might well have been Japanese himself. The only sour note came from representatives of world environmental organizations, who warned against the massive overfishing and near-extinction of Pacific sea eels to make the literally hundreds of tons of anagi sushi that were being feverishly prepared for the celebrations. However, environmentalists and beautiful South Carolinian girls other than Heather aside, it was a joyous time for everyone else. Even the happiness of electronics makers, hash brown retailers and potato and rice farmers was nothing compared to the outpouring of happiness in South Carolina itself. The whole state, it seemed, had adorned itself in dark blue Palmetto tree-festooned bunting, and spontaneous celebrations and revelry were the order of the day. As night fell, the City of Charleston hastily opened up a barrage of fireworks over the harbor, causing the carpetbagging Yankee park rangers at the Fort Sumter National Monument to look skyward in alarm. Elsewhere, from Spartanburg to Hilton Head and everywhere in between, the sultry summer night fell like a blanket, but didn't for one minute dampen the celebrations. Congratulations, John and Heather, and we wish you the best of luck for the future. - Abe Kulkarni

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